Thursday, 11 October 2012
Saturday, 21 April 2012
I have given my whole self to God and to live only for him, but sometimes my attentions is focused on other things and i live only for those things. my heart speaks but my mind denies.
I love the Load Jesus christ than anything else, but it is someone else i dream of, and long to be with..my heart speaks and my heart denies.
To love is my vocation, but sometimes i find myself not liking this one and not speaking to that one.. my heart speaks but my mind denies.... I pray to God for this and that when I am in need, but it is someone else who listens and provides. My heart speaks but my mind denies.
In pain and suffering i cling to the cross of Jesus, but it is someone else who comforts and provides a shoulder to learn and cry on. my heart speaks and my but my mind denies.
When my soul is troubled i kneel before the tabernacle, but it is someone else who cares and calms me down... my heart speaks and my mind denies.
I say daily prayers and find time to be with the lord, but it is someone else who speaks to me and cheers my heart... my heart speaks and my mind denies.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
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Monday, 23 January 2012
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Since, I was working in Ndola town and I was going at ‹‹Christ the King’s Cathedral church›› and Alice was working in Luanshya… We were given a couple Mr. and Mrs. Mwanza who started giving us lessons on ‹‹marriage life›› according to Catholic marriage doctrine. Mr. and Mrs. Mwanza’s couple was inspiring to us… we used to have lessons once in a week at their home place and Alice used to come every Wednesdays… each time we entered in their house we all felt at home…
The last lesson just a week before our wedding day was the best lesson that I and Alice shall never forget
‹‹James and Alice, Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and
those inside are desperate to get out… and from my understanding, what makes a couple becomes desperate in that cage, is the means you used to get in it... some they use a SEX entrance, some use LOVE entrance and others the LEAVE entrance... Mostly, couples who get in the cage through sex entrance they suffer a lot, when marriage gets sick and they become desperate inside; Said Mr. Mwanza and Mrs. Mwanza concluded; thank God it can be cured if they are both willing…
“SEX ENTRANCE; this door is used mostly to young men and women in courtship… they think sharing sex at the stage of their relationship is health and helpful in strengthening their love… but in reality this becomes a disease in future ‹‹marriage life›› …sex is a very small aspect of love... with time you will understand that a health marriage is not built up by it but by real love… As a young woman in a relationship, you should learn how to keep your man’s fancy for you on fire… I mean; keep him desiring for it as you look forward for a wedding day… do not give in much for sex outside marriage, because it may become a disease in your marriage and you will not even realize the cause by then… you can only tell when you hear your partner in bed starts giving you excuses… ‹‹I’m tired… it’s too hot… we shall do it later…›› etc and later you see a couple start suffering from sexual starvation. Hence, one becomes desperate in that cage and later marriage dies…” said Mr. Mwanza.
“LOVE ENTRANCE; Love is a big body that can’t be reduced to sex making… If this door is used to get into your ‹‹marriage life›› the marriage will stand the test of time. Love is a inner influence; by inner influence I mean; …that feeling that comes in you when you look in the eyes of a person you love… when your eyes meets and you cannot speak …you get weak in the knees …your heart skips a couple of beats, your souls touch one another and a feeling inside you grows that none of you can put it in words, to make the other one understand… and since, you can’t define or describe it… you will both have task to put your feelings in practice so as to help your partner realize it… ‹‹marriage life›› suffers a lot if one of you does not know how to interpret his inner feelings into actions or in words… Besides, you both have a task to learn your friend’s language; by language here I mean; what you will say and only two of you can understand… your partners face should be a news paper that only your eye can read…” said Mrs. Mwanza.
LEAVING ENTRANCE; Let me just explain what Mr. Mwanza meant by leaving entrances, in the cage as we put it in today’s topic… many young men and women they love and hurry to get married but they do not understand what it means to LEAVE their family and make one family and one body with their partner... When God said; ‹‹a man shall leave his family and join a woman to become one body›› He did not mean leave in the sense of leaving and forgetting about your father and mother NO!!! But this leaving is where you become a head of your house and the head of kitchen… Alice, the head of kitchen I mean, when you visit your parents you should know that their kitchen is no longer yours and when your mother visits your house you should know that you are the head of that kitchen and never shall your mother get busy cooling for your husband… For you James, leaving means; been responsible of your young family and know the friends you associate with at working places or in society… If one still feels to belong to her or his maternal family even after marriage, then that becomes a disease in ‹‹marriage life.›› Because you will always want to go out to see your mother, old friends etc... Stay at home and make your husband has your new model of life… Said Mrs. Mwanza.
Thursday, 19 January 2012
After two years of our distance relationship… we finally lived in the same region and we enjoyed our courtship for one year… The first time I asked Alice about our wedding, she said; “…why are you in a hurry…I will be happy to get married. But at the moment I am enjoying our courtship…” For real Alice; I too enjoy this period but it’s high time we got into the wed-lock. “…James, I’m afraid” why are you afraid…? I asked her and then she said; “Imagine hundreds of people flowing into the church just for us two; how will I behave before your parents, your family members and your friends at large, I’m too shy” hahaha… we laughed and then I said; Alice, come on! The time of shyness is gone and I think shyness was just an index of our future life… “I hope I will not have the same feeling I had the first time I kissed you…” How was your feeling; I asked her. “…I had to ask myself a lot of questions and I started reflecting on a “kiss” ‹‹why, what will I get from it, I love him but why should I kiss him›› so many questions that I had no proper answer to them all, to be sincere most of the time I did it unwillingly especially at the beginning… after sometimes I started feeling and understanding why I had to kiss you and why you were longing for it… Now that I feel we are one, I really enjoying kissing you, I long for it and now I know a kiss as to be enjoyed by both of us, you are not giving it to me and I’m not giving it to you but sharing what we have…” wow!!!! I never knew that was your feeling in the first place, I’m happy to learn that… So now tell me, you mean you are not ready to marry me…? “I was just joking I’m ready for the wedding but let’s look for days that we shall be both free from work” When I asked her about honeymoon she said; “James, about honeymoon I will be the me to choose the place where we shall go but be informed that it shall be in a typical village somewhere in your province”
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
I quarreled with her.
This was the first time I got upset with her, not because she wrote that but because she did not inform me. We have been talking on msn and texting a lot but why didn’t she tell me that…? As I was thinking that, she replied;
“If you were embarrassed over that, then I’m sorry I did not know that your girlfriends at school will be mad with you…”
After reading this sms, I got more upset with her, so in the evening I called her on ‘msn’ and we talked for at least 3 hours… during this talk Alice, spoke less… she was not herself... Alice, are you sure just that sms I wrote has made you so sad that you don’t even what to talk nicely with me? I asked her… “No… no… ” she said. What could be the reason then…? What have I done dear? You know that I’m not happy to hear you in this tone of your voice…
“Anyway, let me be sincere with you… one day I just missed you and I opened your fb account and I found some of your fb girlfriends online… and I was tempted to chat with one girl in your name but I did not like the way she was giving you the complements… I know you are handsome but…” But what…? I asked? She kept quiet and she turned off the webcam…
Why are you becoming so insecure now…? I asked and I continued talking. Alice, I love you and I want you to be secure... Darling many are the times when fb friends make comments of complements on my photos but their words does not change anything... It`s you I love Alice, you are the girl of my choice, no one but you…. I know we never had enough time to be together but I still believe in the small moments that we have had when I was down there...I said. “… James, you know that I love you too and I’m very jealous of you… but I believe it’s only you who can remove this feeling of insecurity I have…” She said and later I came to realized that she just wanted to draw my attention…
One week later after a small quarrel, which I believe brought in confidence and more trust in our relationship… I received a letter from her:
I say a million thanks to God for giving me this opportunity of writing few words to you. It’s my prayer that you are fine physically and spiritually. All is well here but you also left me “nobulwele bwa mutima,” which is “amatontokanyo”. I have been failing to think of anything else and studies for me now are harder than before.
Anyway I do not know what to say or to share with you my love. However, I would like to begin with thanking you for your letter and for the nice photos you sent me… and thank you for who you are to me, though it is difficult to express myself “pe pepala” (on the paper). “Unjeleleko” (forgive me) but I’m hoping to do it properly… when you come back and in years to come… As I have said about my sickness in my introduction part; James even for me, ever since I came to know you I have never been normal. Almost every time, I think about you. Those three occasions we met have left memories bigger than the world. I try to control my thoughts… but it is impossible for me to avoid it. How do you overcome yourself from thinking about me? Many times I talk, smile and laugh alone. Am told to be a happy person by my friends… but I failed to share with any of them the source of my happiness, which is you... My darling, you have brought happiness in my world as well, you make me smile and look forward... I’m very happy and proud of you. I feel comfortable whenever I’m talking to you, “Ala kuno njendafye cilumba cilumba” (I walk majestically) “bose balapapa” (they are all surprised). You have changed me as well... You are a mature person and a responsible man. I always wish you were my brother… I’m sure your sister and your brothers happy and proud of you.
Seeing your photos that you enclosed in your letter which I received a week ago… “insansa shicili mumatobo ine nemunobe” (I’m still happy). Thank you for showing me how important I ‘am to you. When you were young, you seemed to be serious but I cannot tell by looking at a picture. Then as Mr.James, you have grown very handsome “Napapata amenso panshi” (please keep your eyes down). I know even Italian girls cannot let you walk alone… “Mukese tupashishakofye umwana then if you want mukacite ifyo mulefwaya. Mwaumfwe? Icimutwe!!!!!”
Years come and go but memories will be there always. In 2007, I was in love with a man, who pretended to love me. I loved him so crazily... Nevertheless, I thank God; I never shared anything real with him not even a kiss... That experience has taught me a lot and I hope not to go through the same. Despite the doubts I have in our distance relationship but I trust you. I have many boyfriends but none of them I can compare you to. So take care of my feelings ba James please!!! I’m a real and pure virgin… and I would like to renew my promises as well… I will keep it for you. My intention is to love you for better and for worse until the Lord says it’s now over. I have said this because in you I see a man who can understand and accept me the way I’m.
Wise, men say “it is not by pulling off the petals of the flower that you can get its beauty.” Diplomatic people interpolate it in their own words... but a poor girl like me not rich in knowledge I can say; we all need patience to know each other... Although am not mature in the way I behave and do things, I feel very old enough to have you as my own… and I hope you will help me to be a person you need me to be... Therefore, it is up to you to be serious and real with what you say or do. Maggie (My friend), likes to tell me that “two wrongs can make a right”. I’m happy each time I hear these wisdom words from her... James, we all know our past and where we are but we do not know where we are going… thus lets be focused, I cannot wait to see the hour you will take me to the altar.
Mother Theresa one of my favorite saints said; “what you do does not matter but the effort you put matters most.” I’m talking about school now. Please don’t worst time playing around; you are not there for picnic. Opportunity comes once in one’s life. Hence, do not worst time anyhow, the girl you know is very understanding. I mean I will understand and give you chance to study. Time will come when I will be failing to understand you. I would like to see you prosper. Study and remain focused sweetheart. i love very much!!!
You will always be within my heart.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Thursday, 12 January 2012
In the first place I would like to thank God who has given me this chance to write you a letter for the first time ever since we came to know each other. It`s really hard to write a letter in today’s world because there are now faster means of communication that surpasses this old fashion type of communication. However, I thought of giving you something in a written form for your historical reasons.
I would like to let you know that you mean a lot to me since the day I set my eyes on you until the far we have gone in our relationship. I thank God for bringing you in my life when I desperately needed someone like you. I am happy to let you know that my life has changed dramatically since our first encounter. Your good personality which has helped me to be the person I am today.
Darling, you have occupied my heart in a very special way and I cannot stop thinking about you. The very thought that you are a virgin and that you will preserve it for me keeps recurring in my mind. I am very grateful for this special gift though I feel unworthy of such a special gift.
My sweet, be assured of my love for you, despite the distance between us. I renew my promise to remain faithful to you throughout my life. Remember my dear Alice, I love you for who you are in my life and I believe that you were meant for me. The love I have for you is so immense that I have never felt this way for any other girl who came my way before you. You are my treasure and I keep you secure in the safest corner of my heart.
Finally, I have enclosed my childhood photos and recent ones. Keep them safe.
With lots of Love
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
…there was a knock at the door of my room… When I opened it was Marco. “Oh James finally you are back,” Marco said, while hanging me… We greeted each other and sat on the chairs. “How was your holiday…?” said Marco. It was wonderful, my family and friends are all doing fine… but there is one more thing that made my holiday seems shorter… “And what would be that, don’t tell me, you met with Florence…”said Marco… ‹‹Yes, I met her››. “How is she?” …I’m sure she is fine; we alone met once, on the very day I arrived… “What happened after seeing her…?” Marco was very curious to know how far I have gone with Florence…
After seeing Florence, I had no more fantasy of starting anything serious, I thought of taking her as my mere friend… “Now what is it that made your long holiday seem shorter…?” Two weeks before coming, I met a girl by the name of Alice…. The girl just stole my heart, with her beauty… “You mean she was more beautiful than Florence?” Of course yes, besides her beauty, I came to discover that she was very simple and intelligent... “I can imagine how you are feeling ‹‹in Italy we say that; love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation››” sure, that is my experienced… but I’m very afraid… “Why are you afraid… you think she did not love you much?” No Marco, she did love me a lot, I was able to tell in few occasions I had with her… “But what makes you afraid if she loves you…?” I think, I did not have enough time to show her, how much she meant to me…
“…James, there is love at first sight and love at first bite; I mean the very moment your eyes met with her eyes… there something stronger than yourselves was born… how often were you communicating when you were there?” Marco asked… We used to communicate almost every day, by sms and on phone calls… there were moments when we used to talk almost the all night on phone… “Now that you are too far from her, you should know that; e-mails, chat on FB (facebook) or phone calls will never take the place of you in this long distance relationship...” said Marco. What do you mean and what can I do? I asked… “Even though we have now faster means of communication… try to use at times the old fashion of communication… to keep the romance alive in a distance relationship… By old fashion I mean; send each other sweet letters, using your handwriting, cards, or even sexy pictures it will help to keep the passion in your relationship alive.” As we were talking with Marco, my phone rang; I checked… it was a message from Alice;
“If the only place, where I could see you was in my dreams, I could sleep forever. I miss you James”
I showed Marco the sms and he said; “Oh!!! Alice, è scioca inamorata di te… reply fast” What shall I write? I thought and then I sent a short sms as well;
‹‹ together forever and never apart maybe in distance, but never in heart››
It’s now 3weeks since, I came back from Zambia but there has never been a day I slept without hearing from her; I told Marco and then he said; “…make it a point to spend time with her on chat or phone as often as you can and do something romantic for her… James, remember that even sharing little things that only the two of you know about, will help to make the time apart go faster until you can see each other again… Talking often will help you feel as if you are closer, than you really are... no matter how long the long distance you are… you may find that talking often makes the time go quicker until you are with each other more permanently…”
“James, it has been nice to be with you… I heard you came back but I had no time to and see you, so today I thought of passing here before, going for sports…” Oh!!! Today its Thursday… anyway I shall join you next week. “Ciao James…” Ciao, Marco, we shall meet on opening day at the university… “Ok.. ciao ciao!!!” Marco said while getting in his car.
When Marco left me, I read once more the message I received from Alice and later I thought of writing her a letter;
Monday, 9 January 2012
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Second appointment with Alice
On the weekend we met in Ndola as we agreed… Neither of us knew any special place in Ndola, so we board a bus that was going to Mufurila and we got-off at Dolla hill turn-off and we had to walk in the small road in the middle of the forest… It was quiet and lovely… Alice, do you know that today is the last time we are meeting…? “Yes, you told me on phone, I can’t believe how days are moving so fast” Sure, time is jealous; I said. As we were walking Alice still maintained her principles, she never hold my hands even though we were alone at the middle of that forest but she walked closer to me… This day I fancied her a lot but she noticed me and she fast brought in a discussion;
“James, though our love and trust for each other has grown so fast, we have to bear in mind that we do not know each other yet and soon we are to get into a distance relationship, which will not be easy for me” …Alice, what do you mean it will not be easy for you and what are you suggesting…? She replied fast. “James, it will not be easy for me because, a part of you has grown in me already,
I love you and I need you by my side every time... This was the fast time Alice said I love you, before me… so to confirm that I asked; sure? “…yes James, nalikutemwa sanafya (I love you very much)” she answered while looking in my eyes… I added; Alice naine nalikutemwa (I love you too); And then she continued saying; “James, we have to make the rules and boundaries of our relationship known ahead of us before the distance becomes an issue between us. By rules, I mean what we shall be expecting from each other; remember we need to have same plans and same goals” …Yes dear, you have a point; I said… “James, if we stay in touch our relationship will be flourishing” …Sure Alice, I will try to talk to you every day or at least every after few days so that we don't grow apart… Even though, I do have pressure from school work at times. “…No!!! Don’t even panic, I will understand you… just make dates when you will be talking to me” …Alice, to be real with you… I’m afraid, I mean, will you remain faithful until I come back next year…? “James, I cannot do or say anything at the moment but if you trust me I can be happy… I’m a virgin and I promise to keep my virginity until that day, if you are serious this is the best gift I will keep for you…” I think Alice, is just too intelligent for me; I thought, while I was reflecting on what she just said... Thank you Alice, for that gift… for sure, I never thought I deserve that.
Friday, 6 January 2012
The first contact with Alice…
In the evening I sent her a message; ‹‹hi Alice, it was nice to know u, hw oz ur trip frm Chingola? Gud note.›› She did not reply to this message and I started panicking again; maybe she did not like me… why didn’t I ask her home address? Will I meet her again…? Before going in bed, I was checking on my phone almost every after a minute for her response. However she did not respond. The first thing I did when I wake-up in the morning was to check once more on phone but I did not find anything. Again I sent another message; hi Alice, I hope u are ok, I will b hapy if u respond to my sms. Have a Gud day. In the evening around 20hrs she replied; “thax 4 ur sms, I oz happy too,, 2 knw u. sorry 4 not responding in tym, I was busy.” After reading her message I was very happy and I got courage to call her during off-pick time... That night we talked almost 2hrs on phone, she sounded so lovely that I was more disturbed with her golden voice... From that evening, we started communicating daily… Since, I had few days before the end of my holiday; I had to make an appointment to meet her in Kitwe...
When we met in Kitwe we went and sat at Freedom Park a very simple place but we created a romantic environment there. When I saw her this time she looked very different... She looked younger and more beautiful… she dressed in a blue jean trousers and a white top in her short natural hair. Once more my heart skipped a breath, Oh!!! Alice you look nice. I said... “Thank you James, you too look different compared to last time we met in Chingola” Sure…? “yes, besides, you sound different, on phone …” How? “…you sound too serious…” so what do you prefer now? “I think both, because, now I can understand more about you” what…? I asked. “By your gestures as we talk, I can learn more about you” for real even me I’m happy to see you and your voice on phone is not very different from the real you...
We talked about our families and I came to learn that originally she is from Kasama, Northern Province and I told her that originally I’m from Mpika, Muchinga province. As we were talking I came to discover that she was intelligent and a sensitive person... She never allowed me to hold her hands. However, we had fun time and I wouldn’t believe how time moved fast… That day I come to believed in one Italian saying; “Quando un uomo siede un'ora in compagnia di una bella ragazza, sembra sia passato un minuto.” When a man sits an hour in the company of a beautiful girl, seems to have spent a minute…
Alice when can we meet again? I asked her. “Since you have said you are leaving for Lusaka a week earlier before your actual day of your flight, we can meet on the weekend; I think I will be free…” Do you mind if I suggest that next time we meet in Ndola? “Ok… I will let you know tomorrow on that one.” Later on we went to KMB bus station… I waited until she left for Luanshya and I board a bus for Mufurila. Fantasy about her accompanied me in a bus until I arrived home…
For sure Alice has changed my world… she has disturbed the cool water in the pond… I used to talk to her almost every hour… She became my daily thought… I loved everything about her… In Kitwe each time I handed her anything and our hands touched each other, I felt sexual tensions… our love and trust grew strong and stronger the more we talked to each other… Alice was sincere and she had certain moral values that I loved more about her… She was 3years younger than me, but each time she challenges me over a certain issue… I felt inferiority. She was intellectually good...
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
I MET HER
In May, two weeks before the end of my holiday, I went to attend Diocesan youth celebration in Chingola at Watson Stadium in Ndola Diocese. Under the theme “rooted and built up in Jesus Christ, firm in the faith.” This gathering did not only bring joy or add color to my holiday but it gave birth to a long lasting joy; when I met her. (My soul-mate)
Just after mass, as we were watching the cultural dance and drama by youths from different parishes... I wouldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a very beautiful girl from a distance talking to her friends. I walked closer to where she was standing …and when I looked closely in her eyes my heart skipped a beat. I felt incredibly unexpected emotions because she was so ‹‹flabbergasting›› to use a term of our school days. I was crazily attracted to her. From that moment I couldn’t take my eyes off her – she was gorgeous and lovely. For sure I fancied her and it horrified me. One moment I felt like going where she was standing and say something... But the other thought came in that; usually when girls are approached before their friends they respond negatively... Hence, I prayed for Lion’s patience.
I felt a terrifying lust that I have never experienced in my life, I was instantly attracted to this girl, her beauty and her smile as she was talking to her friends weakened me and I have to admit that, it was so different compared to how I see other girls. I mean different from the way I felt when I met Florence at the airport in Lusaka and very different from the way I felt when I saw Lillian my flight-mate.
My heart told me that she is different. ‹‹She had sex petite figure›› …As they say in Italian “ è bona”, brown in completion, her boobs and nice lips at point times made me crazy. Is this what they say “love at first sight??” I just wanted to kiss her there before everyone. Oh!!! My God, have mercy on me; this feeling seems to be stronger than I. From the time I saw her, I never stood far from where she was standing; I kept a 10 meters apart for some times. It took me more than an hour waiting to have chance to talk to her but it’s like she observed me because at several times we had eye contacts. I started panicking when the celebration was about to finish. I couldn’t afford to miss her.
When I saw her and friends walking towards the car park where they were parking their minibus, I started following back. I think they have noticed me, let me just take courage and talk to that girl, although I did not know what to say; I thought.
I greeted the girls; good afternoon!!! The other 3 girls responded apart from her and when I saw that, I got a bit tensed within me. I’m James from Mufurila, I said. Again the other girls said their names lively and that they all came from St. Anthony parish in Luanshya but her; she said in a very low voice, I’m Alice. I heard but I deliberately said; Hello! I didn’t hear your name. She looked at her friend and her friend repeated her name to me “she is Alice.” Oh!! I see Alice. Excuse me girls can I talk to Alice? They answered together, yes you are free and I asked Alice to excuse me.
When we excused ourselves from the group we started walking towards the stadium’s gate. However, I ran out of words, for I did not know where to start from and what to say… To break the silence I asked her what she was doing in life. “I just finished primary teaching course at KTTC, so at the moment I’m just waiting for the postings” She said… All that is good, you seem to be young and I thought you are still in secondary school. “No!!! I finished school three years ago.” James, I’m sorry I can’t take any longer with you I have to go my friends are waiting for by now.” Anyway Alice, before you go allow me to confess that from the moment I saw you, I wouldn’t take my eyes off from you. I was looking at you as you were talking to your friends, I mean; something about you pushed me to this far and I just thought of talking to you. She did not answer me. Alice!!! I called her to hear anything from her… “Thank you for that, but I’m sorry I have to go now can you allow me to get back?” Why Alice…? Am ‘I boring for you…? “No… but I just have to go because when you came there we were about to start off…” Ok, would you like to give me your cell number? She agreed and we exchanged cell phone numbers and she went back. She never showed any interest in me neither the desire to talk to me… anyway since she has given me the number I shall call her. I thought.